For 2020, let them go, THEN start with your goals.

Just about every new year people make resolutions and self promises that, well, end up going nowhere because we’re actually lying to ourselves. This year, 2020, if you really want to focus on your life, start by letting go of what you don’t want before you set your goals on the rest of the year. This includes letting go of people in your life that you don’t want in your life, too.

It can be super hard to cut someone out of your life. I get it. To help figure out whether or not it’s time to do this, ask yourself: How do I feel about myself when I’m around them? Recently, I was hanging with an acquaintance of mine that I was hoping would turn into a friendship.

For me the last time we got together I had a great time, but at the end, she threw all this passive aggressive crap my way. Even though I thought we had a good time, I realized that she’s had a consistent message that I’m too much for her and that she has to make some kind of accommodation in her head when she’s with me.

She’d said that in so many words pretty much every time we’d gotten together. This last time, though, I put it together and decided that I actually don’t want to be around people who I’m too much for or who don’t appreciate me for who I am, geek and all.

So for 2020, I’ve made the decision to let go of those people in my life that don’t make me feel good about me, if there are peeps in your life that evoke those feelings, then maybe it’s time to say goodbye to them and start focusing on the peeps that you want in your life and that would include those who want to be in yours.

If you have someone in your life that no longer serves you, and that means that the relationship has run it’s course and you’ve gotten all that you’re going to get out of it. Consider some communication ideas that I have below to help you say goodbye.

One of the signs that it may be time to get out of that relationship (regardless of whether it’s a friendship/boyfriend-girlfriend/marriage/significant other), is that I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Have you been thinking about it, about not calling them back, just ghosting them?

If you can acknowledge that you have been thinking about it, it’s time to acknowledge, to yourself, what you’ve gotten out of the relationship. Was there anything that you gained from it, from being with them?

Was it good at first but went downhill from there? Fine. Acknowledge and that means to yourself, what you have gotten from the relationship.

We’re going to use that self acknowledgment as we talk to that person that we’re cutting out of our lives. That acknowledgment is one of the things that I think is good for you to say to them. This probably comes right after the We need to talk line that you can use as an intro to the topic.

If it’s a friend who’s become toxic (etc), the we need to talk can be more like I’ve been thinking about things…, and since we’re at the beginning of the year, you can add onto I’ve been thinking about things with something along the lines of and I’m making some changes for the next year.

Note the language that I’m encouraging you to use, I’ve been…I’m making…This is what’s called I language. Take ownership of your experience. I really thought things were going to work out…Don’t manipulate I language (I think you’re an asshole), no, that’s manipulative and not genuinely owning your experience.

Some languaging [words that I personally might use] is just what I’ve said, I’m making some changes for this year, and..[and now use the acknowledgments that we’ve talked about]

  • I am glad I got to know you…
  • I’m glad I got to spend time with you…
  • I really appreciate what’s gone on with us/you…
  • I remember when we first met, it was fun [or whatever it was] and really value that!

Then it’s followed by

  • For me, I’m looking for other things…
  • I’m looking at making changes and as hard as it is…
  • In 2020, I’m going to focus on me [or whatever you’re going to focus on]…
  • As I think about it, it isn’t working for me…

Now’s when you conclude.

  • I’m breaking up…
  • I’m not going to be available…
  • It’s no longer working for me so I’m not going to be around…
  • Since it’s not working for me, I’m leaving/I’m ending this…

To make the feedback a little kinder, tell them another appreciation that you have of them or of the relationship.

  • As I said, when we met, it really worked!
  • I see the potential [in you]…
  • I’ve learned from knowing you…[then say a couple of things you learned–or don’t use this]
  • I’m glad that I did get to know you…

In simple terms, use ownership language, state appreciations/acknowledgments, then the reasons [in general terms], then appreciations again. Say something nice, say the hard stuff, say something nice again. Leave.

So for 2020, if there is that one friend, or your partner or whoever, that evokes the feelings of not feeling good about yourself, and if you’ve been thinking about it for a while, it might be time to let them go. If that’s the case, start looking for who you do want in your life.

Use what you’ve learned from this relationship or this person (or group of peeps), to really identify what you do want in your life.

Another thing to say before I wrap this up is to make sure that you’ve given them the benefit of the doubt, and to add that it’s important that you’ve actually brought it up to the person. Bring up all the stuff that bugs-the-hell-out-of-you, up to that person.

If I don’t bring it up to them before cutting them out of my life, I never really gave them a chance either to change or to give me a different take on things.

If you haven’t told them, and I don’t mean all those conversations that you’ve had in your head, but not actually talked with them, then consider giving them a chance to hear what’s up for you.

If you’ve brought it up time and time-again…and then some…and if they continue to hurt your feelings or leave you with feeling bad about yourself or that they just aren’t healthy for you, then consider cutting them out.

If you’ve given them all the chances, you’ve asked for what you’ve needed and they either can’t or won’t be able give you what you need, then maybe it’s time for the new year.

That’s a wrap. Happy 2020.